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...Contains carbon monoxide. . .'s Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
...Contains carbon monoxide. . .

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[06 Apr 2004|08:30am]
[ mood | stressed ]

sticks and stones
and broken bones
on my mind
killing time
waiting for the doom to arrive
but here i am
still alive
loosing self worth
while pacing back and fourth.



nail biting
twitching
pacing
shaking
vomiting
cramping
my body slept
but my mind has been worried.
dreams
dreams
horrible dreams
cold
im so cold
inside and out
insides shaking
hands trembling.
here goes my lfe
right
down
the
gutter.

2 wont. + . CONFORM .

[05 Apr 2004|10:31pm]
SCREW YOU COURTNEY!!!!
asshole.
dammit cj why do you have to be such a dick.
if ANYONE got any bad comments on aim from me
IT WASNT ME
i swear !








im so nervous.
i feel like crying
but theres no one here
so im doing it alone.
GOD IM SO FUCKING SCARED/
god god god
fuck fuckfuck fuckf uuck
7 wont. + . CONFORM .

[05 Apr 2004|05:28pm]
[ mood | touched ]

tomorrow is going to be SOOOOO nerve racking.
im going to be a scared little girl
and i hate medical people
and them pocking around here and there.
and im sure i will be shitting in my little colorful boxers
while waiting for results.

marek and everyone are being SOOO supportive.
and i feel TOTALLY shitty
becuase im still thinking this and everything that has gone down is somehow my fault
and im so scared and dont know what to do

and i know everyone is so tired of my talking and bitching
and crying and being upset
but i cant do anything else.

i still like you
and am totally jealous of you.
dammit.
oh well.

9 wont. + . CONFORM .

[04 Apr 2004|05:07pm]
tattoo's.
a star
and a the letter "P"
on my wrist.
a prize to who finds out what the P is for.


new hats rock.
roofs are fucking kick ass.

spray painting and dumpstering.
HELL YES.


im now deciding im through with boys/men.
stupid man
FUCK YOU
NO MAN
MEANS
F....U...C....K...I..N...G.. NO
and now you stupid man you're causing uneeded stress and bills.
GOD FUCK OFF.
13 wont. + . CONFORM .

[23 Mar 2004|01:50pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

and that my friends.
is the end of that.


im done.
im tired.

its getting really fucking old
really fucking quick.

plus. so many more fishies.
right?

11 wont. + . CONFORM .

[21 Mar 2004|07:11pm]
[ mood | amused ]

eleven days..
eleven days.
no home
no dad
no worries
no sadness.

drugs.
drugs.
more
drugs.
and im set for awhile.

money.
where is the money?
wee five dollars.
thank you boy on bike.



didnt go to show last night.
no point.
i was only going for one reason
which fell through
as should be expected.
this isnt good.
falling
AGAIN.
these feelings are familar.
i dont want those feelings to come again.
last time it hurt.
this time it will hurt.
and the next time after that.
im falling
further and further.
and i think i like you too much
or too much too soon.
oh no.
you're somewhere else
and im still here.


god is dead
and no one cares.

4 wont. + . CONFORM .

[13 Mar 2004|05:08pm]
florida is too far away.
im going to make the best here.



yay
for patches
and for bracelts
that are ugly.


I MISS YOU
come back.
but im sure you're having fun :D
8 wont. + . CONFORM .

[13 Mar 2004|11:14am]
[ mood | distressed ]

AHHHHHHHHHHHH.
show
he who corrupts.
kick ass.
and not alot of people showed
which sucks ass
but you all missed a kick ass show
and hollowed out was great
and the derailers were awesome as well.

im bouncing from place to place.
i should be worried about my job.
i should be thinking about where to sleep tonight.
i should be thinking about where to get food.
but im not.
im having fun.
and letting the cracks appear where they do and thats that.





blah.

1 wont. + . CONFORM .

[09 Mar 2004|04:52pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

the song
for when i visit
florida
and see you




Untouchable Face:

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...



-ani difranco-

2 wont. + . CONFORM .

...be careful not to stain the sheets now..... [09 Mar 2004|03:43pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

the walk home was nice.
a little nippy.
but nice.
i got to be with myself
and think about important things.
like why am i going to leave?
and why should i stay?
and what im going to do with the rest of my life?
what am i doing with my life now?
what am i accomplishing?
CONCLUSION-
im going to florida.
BUT. just to visit. not forever.
becuase i do have a little life here now.
and
im still figuring out exactly how i feel about you
(its a asshole thing to do
to ask it to get serious and emotional or rather agree to it
then tell you im leaving.)
i really dont know what im going to do for the rest of my life.
i know i dont have to decide now
but i must gain some idea
and no ideas are flowing in yet.


i dont know if im depressed.
or unmotivated.
i need a vacation from myself.

i gained a new bracelet.
its lovely.

HEY FUCKFACE WHO SITS IN THE SUNSHINE GROCERY
YANNO WHAT?-
im glad to know im hated
im glad to hear you announce you hate homosexuals
i didnt like you anyways.
*sulks and feels embarassed*
im so sick of this bullshit.
UP TO HERE WITH IT MAN.


the world doesnt matter
no thoughts about classes
no worries
no time frame
just talking
talking
listening
exchanging ideas
thoughts
some i do not want to discuss.
so i feel myself closing off
but i let it all come out
waterfalls
pouring
bring back bad memories
dont show that that person hurt you
dont let them know you are still hurt.
change the subject.
MALL WALKERS.
zoom by
but im so lost with what to do
nervous.
nervous
it shows
point it out
and i sink back to comfort
flipping through your shared memories
im weightless
im weightless
its time to go back into the world
but your voice bounces in my mind.

. CONFORM .

[08 Mar 2004|10:31pm]
how come i dont get little love notes?


not fair.
8 wont. + . CONFORM .

[08 Mar 2004|10:05pm]
i could be there forever.
swimming in the essence
of the bedroom.
leaning in
leaning out
back in
back out
lay down
take it all in
is this really happening?
come back to reality
and its still a dream
lean in
lean out
lean in
feel the sensualness
of the warm breath
on my neck
drifting up to my ear
and down into my mouth
sweet
sweetness
soft hands
soft skin
warm
silky
comfy
looking at you is a hobby
figuring out every dip and turn in your skin
lips.
pumping with blood
my body pumping with excitment.
forever.
float back down
and our time is over.
. CONFORM .

for all time. [08 Mar 2004|04:39pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

THOUGHTS ABOUT OUR SCHOOL SYSTEM:
have you noticed. in art the teacher always writes positive remarks on every peice of your work.
even if it sucks
becuase we dont really need to learn how to draw.
its just a motivation and positive renforcement class.
BUT.
i tried to test this hypothesis
so
for drivers ed i wrote a paper
and kissed ass
and said "you need to learn divers ed, its what is right,no one is a proper driver without this class its essential"
and i got an A
then on a test
i wrote my true opinion
and he gave me a poor grade.
whats wrong with this picture?
this is WHATS WRONG-
they want you to learn
they want to drill into your head you need to know it
or you'll end up an idiot and a bum.
OBEY me.
dont learn
just memorize
dont understand what you're learning
just memorize
NO QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY YOU'RE LEARNING IT
just listen.








this makes me so happy.
ill be in my comfort zone again.
escaping to my old roots
seeing familar faces
hugs
smiles
laughs
this will be wonderful
ill be singing the whole way home
now i just need directions.
and save my fucking money.

. CONFORM .

[08 Mar 2004|04:08pm]
[ mood | loved ]

i love these fucking kids.

celeste.

heather. hitting the bong..

high joe+heather+celeste.

1 wont. + . CONFORM .

....hide my head i wanna drown my sorrow. . . . [08 Mar 2004|03:48pm]
[ mood | listless ]

bad day
very bad day.
the morning was of course horrible.
and the afternoon
got better :D

then school sucked again.
rumors flying around
like fucking flys
infesting my little biodome
and ruining my existance.
fuck.
you.
ALLLLL!!!!!

fuck school.
im so sick of it.
i want to go to a class to LEARN
not to be told what to do
when i can piss
when i can eat
what to learn
and tell me other things im reading are not USEFUL.
fuck you and your attitude twards me.
becuase i think FOR MYSELF thank you very much
you persicute me.
well FUCK YOU.




you're so warm
and captured me
and let me escape for a brief while.
thank you.

. CONFORM .

...i smell sex and candy here. ... [07 Mar 2004|10:11pm]
[ mood | bored ]

i miss tiffany.

im being all sappy.
and stupid.
im just not made for this stuff
becuase im not good at it.



i enjoy hanging out with maggie and zoeg.
i always have a great time
:D



marek where have you been bro?




two whole weeks.
thats forever.
what ever will i do?
well
ill whine
and complain
and
tell everyone how much i miss you
but
you're going to have lots of fun
so thats kickass
and vacations are always needed.
and as long as your happy
then its a wonderful day

2 wont. + . CONFORM .

[07 Mar 2004|08:45pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

i love
fear & loathing in LAS VEGAS.
first time i've ever seen it sober though.
its better when you're not in reality.


big panic.
major panic.
FLASHBACKS.
oh god.
GET OFF.
just fucking get off.
stop.
I SAID STOP.
scream.
louder.
no one cares.
laughs.
GOD PLEASE JUST GET FUCKING OFF ME.
please stop.
you dont understand.
oh god.
flashbacks.
panic.
kick.
scream.
i cant breath
i cant think
whats going on
not again
please not HIM.
not him.
skye do something
please
dont just fucking sit there
help me
IM YOUR FUCKING SISTER FOR CHRISTS SAKE.
or just sit and fucking heat that spoon some more
and walk out of the fucking room and leave me alone.
and let it happen.
just pretend you dont hear me fucking screaming.
just pretend im not your LITTLE sister.
big protector.
where the fuck were you then.

deep breaths briana.
just deep breaths.


i've got a migrane now
and im still shaking.


its okay.
he didnt know.
he doesnt know
he will never know.
im not telling anyone.
this will be kept to myself.
eating.
eating me.
guilt.
shame.
dirty.
im so dirty.
such a little whore.

4 wont. + . CONFORM .

[07 Mar 2004|04:10pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

no time.
no time.
gone away.
no time.
no time.
im doing ok.
no time.
no time.
running around.
no time.
no time.
falling further.
no time.
no time.
watch.

. CONFORM .

oh joy. FOTOS. [07 Mar 2004|09:23am]
[ mood | busy ]

SOME CLAMOR.



LOOK.
its lainey .




whos this ugly kid?



12 wont. + . CONFORM .

...like the naked leads the blind.... [07 Mar 2004|08:28am]
[ mood | crushed ]

..pucker up our passions spent...



i miss florida.
warm weather
beaches
sand
palm trees
friends
downtown
bridge of lions.
i miss walking downtown with heather,annie and andrew.
i miss kissing in the rain downtown
and picking flowers
crying in madisons arms
swimming
hills
florida knows me
every dimple
every fight
every bruise.
illinois despises me.

. CONFORM .

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